The morning air was warm and dry, spacious blue skies surrounded by colorful rock near our family lodging in Vernal, Utah. During some down time for my husband and four of our children, I ventured out to explore beyond the fenceline and walked toward a large field of alfalfa, which belonged to a neighboring farmer. I wanted to explore where I might be able to go jogging or bring the kids later on. Soon I saw a horse in the distance and I heard people laughing and talking. I went toward the voices and the horse. The stallion was large, white and beautiful. It had been a long time since I'd approached a horse. Very carefully, gauging his mood I talked softly and approached him with a handful of grass. Hesitantly he let me reach out and pet his nose, then his neck. I saw just a few feet away down a hill two women and four children playing in a swamp. They were watching me curiously. I approached them and introduced myself. I found out the senior lady was the owner and she was there with her daughter and grandchildren. A positive light-hearted conversation ensued. I asked if it would be alright if I bring my children later to the swamp. The older lady replied, "yes but it would be best not to if we are not here. My huband is particular about others being on the property due to liability issues." I said, "Ok, would it be alright if I came by myself later and gave your horse an apple?" She replied in the affirmative. We exchanged goodbyes and I approached the horse one more time (who I had found out is named "Tug") before leaving. I pet him once more and sang a gentle song before heading back to the B&B, intending to visit him again that evening.
Later on, after my family and I watched General Conference (a bi-annual televised conference held by the church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints) and had finished prep for dinner, a soft orange evening glow beckoned me out the door again. I took a slice of apple, piece of carrot and lettuce leaf from our salad remains and ventured for the 4 minute walk to find "Tug." This time as I got closer I saw a man running hastily toward me on the trail from his house to the alfalfa field where I was headed. I quickened my pace to greet him and ask him about his beautiful horse. I saw he was very assertively walking toward me now. I called out with a friendly "Hello!" But then I saw his face was very unhappy. He said, "You know, i could call the sheriff on you right now for being out on my property, young lady. You've got alot of nerve to be wandering around here. My wife said this is the second time you've come here and that she told you that you were trespassing and that you should leave the property." For a split second I thought he was joking, then I felt a wave of shock and disbelief. I found myself respond as calmly as I could with "I'm sorry sir, I was under the impression I was okay to come back, but i certainly won't go on your property again." He also said that due to the risk of some horses reacting badly to things like carrots and contracting conditions such as colic, I shouldn't be feeding someone else's horse without permission. I said "of course, that is understandable." (I also remembered that I had told the lady I was going to bring an apple, not a carrot.) He continued to verbalize his displeasure as I turned around and left, and again reassured him I would stay away.
All the way home I felt quite dazed. I was used to connecting positively with strangers and did not expect this man to be angry. Yet I knew I had violated his property and now I new first hand that some people are fiercely protective of their property lines. I also realized his wife was probably much more soft on me than her husband would have been earlier that day if he had seen me there, and that she may have communicated something differently to him than what she told me, to keep the peace.
I came back home and briefly told some of my family what happened then went to the bedroom. Tears began to flow down my cheeks. I felt like I had recieved a harsh reprimand. In that moment I was a vulnerable child who had been spanked for something I didn't deserve. At the same time, I found my adult self resisting those emotions and saying to self, "He has that right, you did violate his property. But stop taking it so personally, its silly to be crying over it." I succumbed to the tears anyway, and let myself cry. And it was quite liberating. This time I found myself enjoying the release. I felt a touch of compassion, humility and even a bit of gratitude as I sat there; wide open with raw emotion, on this significant day in Vernal, Utah which happened to be my 46th birthday.
I believe strongly that contrary to what we learn in our growing years, to allow oneself to cry and acknowledge feelings can be a strength. To allow others to see it, and give them the opportunity to nurture can be a strength too. For me, repressing emotions especially around others, including my family has been a habit. In the past, a therapist told me I should let my husband see me cry. And I've been encouraged to even allow my children to see me cry. The thought came to me I should express some sadness to my husband. I came out of the room, not completely hiding the tears this time, and letting him know I was feeling reactive and sad about what happened. He was sympathetic to my situation yet my family knows my free and sometimes careless side better than most. I percieved that my husband acknowledged that this man may be extra sensitive and upset about the situation,and that I should be mindful, careful. But that I had also clearly recieved more accepting communication and approval from his wife, regarding the property.
Later on the owner of the B&B, who lived in the home right next to us, called us and said he talked to the angry farmer. I explained my side of what happened. I was told this man had been difficult to work with regarding property lines and other issues in the past and that he really dosen't have him figured out. He consolingly encouraged me to not continue to feel bad about it. Soon afterwards my mom and Dad called me with a lovely piano/singing
tele-performance of "Happy Birthday." I thanked them and told them about what just happened. They expressed love, reassurance and confidence in me. I knew at that moment I am loved by them and many others. As I reflect, I recognize that God created me with a free and loving spirit. Sometimes those qualities bring joy to myself and others, and sometimes they can get me into a little bit of "trouble."
I believe that is true with many qualities we have. Many strengths can sometimes be a weakness. You can flip that statement around also in a way. We are all painfully aware of our inadequacies and weaknesses. Yet I have been taught throughout my life that through coming to the Lord, He can help those weaknesses turn into strengths. I'm still learning how to recognize and utilize this gift and ability from Him.
For a simple video share of some other more light-hearted family experiences and scenes from our trip, copy and paste this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApPyLdaOCyE
Pictured: Little Anna and her momma, Paula Watkins (early 1980's)
About two weeks after our April spring break trip to Vernal, I had a wonderful opportunity to perform a violin part in a performance with my good friend and recording engineer, John Carter who is an incredible composer. John wrote a story combined with musical compositional work called "The Whisper, a beautiful story and life metaphor about a ballerina. He had the opportunity to perform two of the pieces from this work live for a church related function. He asked me to join him on piano, and another friend Aaron on the cello. The original recording was previously done by a violinist much more qualified than I, who was not available to perform that night. I felt very honored to be asked to help with this performance. I became more diligent at practicing violin than I have in a very long time. This piece was calling upon my classical training which I recieved long ago but have since strayed from, as I've become more of a folk musican and fiddler! I appreciated the challenge. On the day of the performance I arrived with two songs, which I had to change a bit due to my limited technical ability. The two songs were in two different keys. One had three sharps, in the key of A Lydian. The other, three flats in the key of C minor. One song had 3 pages, the other had 4. I realized after I had warmed up at the church with John that I had previously forgotten to tape the pages together from the song that has three sharps. This was necessary because only three pages can sufficiently fit on a music stand, but if I taped the four pages together I could find a way to ensure the music all stays together on the stand. We didn't know where tape was in the church. But with John's quick and resourceful brain he figured out we could use bandaids. One bandaid he found in the church and the other in his wallet. (and one piece of tape he stole from a flyer stuck on a door) I quickly stuck the pages together and went in to the chapel where the performance was about to start.
Our number was toward the middle. When it was our turn to go up, the cellist and I brought our music to the stand and started to assemble it on the music stands as John talked to the audience about his composition. John went to the piano to prepare his music. It wasn't until just before I did a quick tuning check with the piano, right before playing.. that I realized I had mismatched my music! This was a performance "nightmare" moment! Somehow I had taped two pages together of the song called "The Knowing Bridge" with three sharps, to the song called "El corps de ballet et pianiste" with three flats. I was mortified. I said quietly in the mic, "John I need just a bit more time to correct my music." There was an awkward silence as I begin taking off brown bandaids, reshuffling papers and resticking. Thankfully, John started playing some lovely backround improvisational music as I proceeded to correct my mistake.
Finally I was ready. We began the first song. My mother was there and she recorded the beginning. I could hear the tension later in my playing! We were out of sync because I went too fast in the beginning. But soon we finally were together rhythmically. Throughout the performance I had some good moments mixed with plenty of little mess-ups. My practice sessions had been stronger than my performance. But I made it through. And somehow, fortunately in large part because of the incredible cellist playing beside me and John's marvelous piano playing, much of my mistakes were not obvious to the audience. Afterwards people were warm and complimentative. My mother was loving and encouraging. John, so grateful and forgiving throughout my imperfections. As performers its so easy to beat ourselves up. I felt humbled and embarrased. Yet that night, I practiced seeking for a bigger picture, a wider perpective. The music "mission" had been accomplished. Despite my weaknesses in playing, the audience was able to recognize the beauty and magic within the compositition. The message and music within this imaginative gem has very much to do with individual challenges and our personal discoveries, and realization of who we are. You can find this marvelous creation/audiobook here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pEihoIAeOc&t=141s
What do these two stories shared have in common? Both moments in time of feeling negative emotion. Stories of vulnerability. These two examples compared to those times in life that bring deep grief, anger or hurt may pale in comparison. For me, this is currently not the place to share those deeper, more personal stories. Yet all these "minor" experiences reflect past experiences, past habits of "emotional reaction" that may go far back into childhood. To be aware and mindful of these emotions and to accept them is a strength. It is then we have the ability to be honest and accepting of feelings and if needed, redirect and repattern our thoughts. These smaller "hiccup" experiences sometimes prepare us for more difficult times ahead. They also give us the opportunity to forgive ourselves, and others in the future who have or will make similar mistakes. Pain is gain. In the moment of pain this concept is difficult to accept. Yet it is what makes us human. And in my journey of life learning.. it is what helps me recognize my need to rely on a loving Heavenly Father, Mother and Savior Jesus Christ. As an independent musician, much of my music reflects what i know and percieve in the world. The good that I see, the hope and love surrounding us. Yet if you listen, there are whisperings of sadness and vulnerability. Truth and raw human emotion is what I seek to capture in the music I write. And part of what is true, is the "challenge" we all deal with called Pain. We have tools within ourselves to work with pain. We have a beautiful earth that brings comfort and teachings. We have "earth angels" and loved ones who have been through deeply painful experiences before and who understand and can help us. We have Heavenly Love to guide us.
Here is a song I wrote a few months ago. The words began to flow while on a run, as I was wrestling inwardly with some personal weaknesses. It is called "Let Go." The music production and release is still in process, but here is one simple version, available for streaming: https://soundcloud.com/fiddlinmomma/let-go-version-1
Autumn chill, the last leaf falls
Softly glides, circles to the ground
Rest, a season of rest
Deep, sleep, Rest
Dry flowers, seeds into the wind
Blow, move, dance through the air
Move, to another life
New, Land, Grow
Time to let go
Release, let it go
Embrace, hold to the true
Live, love, new
Gentle stream,move down mountain earth
Weave, wind, merge into the running wave
Flow into the river
Give,run, flow
Little bird, leave your branch spread wings
Flutter, open, glide up in the sky
Fly to another tree
Fly, live free
Time to let go
Release, let it go
Embrace, hold to the true
Live, love, free
Under the darkening sky
Tears falling from my eyes
On the wings of a dove
I reach for Heaven's Love
Time to let go
Release, let it go
Embrace, hold to the true
Live, love, free
Finally, I share one more song. This one came during a moment of feeling rejected after an interaction with a woman I had been trying to befriend. Somehow, during a moment of vulnerability and pain that I know I have felt multiple times, a past memory floated through my mind.. and then a melody. Never before has a song come to me in a situation like this. I'm grateful it happened. There are no words in this one. Interpretation is open to the imagination. For me it is very much about the movement and flow of living, including past memories that weave into our intricate life tapestry. It is called "Dreamer's Waltz," soon to be an official release, recorded by the celtic/world folk band "Wildwing," in the studio of Thirteen/Eight Productions.https://soundcloud.com/fiddlinmomma/dreamers-waltz
May you find release, comfort and peace as you continue onward, weaving through this marvelous "dance" we call life.